Things I learned about military history from models
Graeme Davidson started a humorous thread over on Missing-Lynx’s General Discussion Group (12/04/2008). The thread took a life of its own as many replies were added. Thanks to Graeme and the many contributors! –RC
Personal Predilections
- · 95% of tanks had a crew of one.
- · 90% of all personnel fighting or in a combat zone were always smiling and happy.
- · 99% of those soldiers that got hit by a bullet never bled.
- · 100% of tankers had X-ray vision that allowed them to see through the stowage that was piled atop the turrets and glacis in front of their periscopes.
- · 90% of the human race had elongated faces as seen by Roger Saunders. Also 85% of these people suffered from Crone’s syndrome — therefore giving them 6 inch necks.
- · Soviet solders were very well fed and 80% of Soviet units had mandolin or accordion players assigned to them.
- · A class of genetically altered soldiers fought for many WW2 combatants. They could pivot their arms over their heads like a Ken doll but their shoulders and ribcage remained static.
- · 70% of anti tank gunners were trained not to fire at oncoming enemy tanks until they rolled within 25 feet of the muzzle or at least within the far edge of the diorama base.
- · Infantry never wore their rucksacks on the march. The snapped their fingers upon arriving at their destination and their duffel bags arrived by magic. The Germans never owned rucksacks to begin with.
- · Soldiers spend 5% of their time fighting, 20% just standing with their elbows resting on something, and 75% pointing at something.
- · 50% of soldiers in WWII waxed their uniforms for that chic, glossy look.
- · Soldiers in the field shaved every day.
- · All soldiers have blue eyes.
- · Vehicles got dirty as sh*t, but never soldiers.
- · Soldiers always wore their uniforms correctly. Even after a battle or being captured they found mirrors to adjust their caps and ensure their jackets were straight.
- · Only about 3 people of African descent fought in WW2, all truckers.
- · Many European children possessed smaller heads, but adult features.
- · Any crew member could leave the tank, except for the driver.
- · Japanese soldiers always seemed to be screaming.
- · Only the most photogenic people made it as soldiers; no weak chinned, buck toothed, glasses wearing puny type with ill fitting uniform ever made it off the recruiting ground.
- · American/British soldiers stood around a lot, and were not nearly as active as Soviet or German soldiers.
- · There was always a local citizen available to sell chickens, eggs, or bread to a passing soldier, even in the heat of battle.
- · All Air Defense crews had one NCO designated to point at the sky at the same bearing and elevation as the gun barrels.
- · Nobody wore glasses — except a few screaming Japanese.
- · Abandoning personal weapons was the norm.
- · Tanks crews are very tidy since there are hardly ever any brass casings or links on the turret after firing the machine guns.
- · Despite being fully engaged in a firefight or pinned down by a sniper there was always one soldier that decided to make a dash in open ground to another position and another soldier that thought if he stood fully upright and very still, no one would shoot him.
- · Sergeants and corporals never commanded tanks and if they did they were never platoon sergeants. Loaders and drivers were always privates.
- · Senior NCOs did not exist, only junior officers.
- · Either all soldiers wore all prescribed insignia or no soldier wore prescribed insignia.
- · 95% of all soldiers had a medium build and weren’t fat, unless they were a German cooks or headed the Luftwaffe.
- · Sten armed British soldiers never had spare magazines.
- · Soldiers were chosen by their hand size — the bigger the better. Most of fingers were a solid mass too.
- · Short and tall soldiers never made it into most armies.
- · Every soldier, regardless of race, country, or theatre, had the exact same skin tone. Soldiers were also immune to suntan, sunburn, or frost burn.
- · Every Israeli tank crew had at least one guy with a ZZ Top beard.
- · In Vietnam no US soldier was ever more than 5 yards from a radio/cassette player. Sunglasses and bandanas were regulation, too.
- · 80% of British soldiers, when not in combat, took their tunic off to show their braces.
- · 99.9% of French tank crews smoked cigarettes.
- · British tank commanders fought the whole of WW2 clasping white enamel mugs in their left hand.
- · Every German had his hair combed back.
- · Every GI combed his hair to the side.
- · 90% of the Wehrmacht’s time in occupation of any country was spent pasting posters to the walls, usually advertising the Waffen SS.
- · 90% of the Red Army’s time was spent plastering over the top of these posters with their own, usually within the first ten minutes of the end of a good hard battle.
- · They too dedicated another 5% of their time to painting Russian graffiti on walls, careful to leave a paint can left lying on the ground next to the wall. They had to go listen to the unit accordion player.
- · Women soldiers had supplies of great, uplifting bras.
- · No one died, ever. They only ever got wounded. Dead bodies turned up occasionally, but they were covered in snow. When people did get shot, they stood up awkwardly while thick globs of bloody gel slowly stretched out the wound.
- · Soldiers usually stood around smoking cigarettes when in a group, but when alone would stand by a small tree holding their gun in a menacing fashion.
- · 1 in 3 US paratroopers have an Mohawk haircut.
- · Combat dress was resilient to dirt to the point where only the knees and elbows got dirty.
- · When escaping a tank about to blow up, 70% of crews had to fire personal weapons to announce their exit.
- · No one ever had faded or discolored ALICE gear, always parade ready green stuff.
- · Smoke grenades were often mounted on shoulder straps in the finest traditions of West Point/ROTC cadets and pre 9-11 Reserve/NG types.
- · Boots were always polished, never bare leather exposed.
- · BDUs/DCUs never faded or discolored.
- · Chin straps were clean as were the neck areas around body armor.
- · Uniforms never absorbed sweat in any era, with any army, in any environment.
- · A large % of WW2 soldiers looked like friends of Ron Volstad, thousands of others looked suspiciously like Roger Saunders and the really large ones bear a striking resemblance to John Rosengrant. Lookalikes of Francois Verlinden’s relatives served worldwide in all conflicts.